Remember Me
by Bernadeen
Summary: An incident following the events of “Automatic for the People” spur Mac to take action.


**Remember Me  
**By  
Bernadeen

Rating: K+

Disclaimer: I don't own and claim no rights to any of these wonderful characters. This story is only for entertainment purposes.

Summary: An incident following the events of "Automatic for the People" spur Mac to take action.

**One week after 'Automatic for the People' episode**

**Thursday  
****10:10 EST  
****JAG HQ  
****Falls Church**

Commander Harmon Rabb looked up from the file he was working on as Petty Officer Jennifer Coates stopped at the door of his office.

"Commander, there's a package for you," she explained, then stepped back to allow one of the downstairs Marine guards to bring a large flat box into Harm's office. "Security has checked it," PO Coates assured him.

Curiously, Harm looked for a return address. _Megan Mansford, Lone Pine, California._ Smiling, he tore one side of the box open and lifted out a painting – Megan's painting that he had chosen as his favorite.

Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie had stepped out of her office with the intension of getting some coffee when she saw the guard carrying the box into Harm's office. Her curiosity aroused, she detoured to Harm's office. As he pulled a painting from the box and held it up to admire, he didn't see the card that fell to the floor. Arriving at the office door, Mac glanced past Harm at the painting, then noticed the card. She picked it up and without thinking flipped it open.

'_Dearest Harm,_

_Thank you again for everything you did for me. __This painting was your favorite. It's my gift to you so you won't forget me. __If things don't work out with your brunette, I know a redhead that would love to see you again!_

_Megan'_

In an instant, Mac felt something twist inside of her. Recovering quickly, she handed the card to Harm with a quick apology, "This was on the floor .. I didn't mean to read your private mail …"

Harm smiled, unaware of Mac's discomfort. "Hey, Mac. This is Megan Mansford's work. She's the daughter of the civilian victim of the F-14 crash I investigated last week in California. Her father was an artist, too," he finished with a sad note in his voice.

Mac tried to sound normal, "It's very nice."

Harm heard something in Mac's tone that puzzled him and he glanced toward her. Mac was looking at the painting, then turned away without looking up. "Ah.. I've got to get back to work," she mumbled and quickly left his office. Harm looked after her, trying to decide what just happened.

He set the paining aside and quickly gathered several files from his desk. He was due in court. He'd have to try to figure out what was up with Mac later, he decided.

Mac did her best to focus on her work the remainder of the day, but her mind was wandering. At 1630 she cleared her desk and put work in her briefcase. This was the official closing time for government offices, though she and many others at JAG usually worked later. Today, however, she knew she wasn't as productive as she should be. It was time to do some serious thinking .. in her home with a cup of tea and a fire in her fireplace.

As soon as she arrived at her apartment, she changed into comfortable sweats, built a fire, made herself a cup of tea, and gave herself over to her thoughts. Her life in the past year had been a disaster zone. Her confrontation with Sadik, learning that she was infertile, and Clay's deception and betrayal were a one-two-three punch that left her reeling. She wasn't sure how she would have survived it if Harm had not been there for her.

Her unplanned therapy session with Commander McCool just before Christmas had helped release and clarify some of her emotions. Her car accident seemed to be a sign that she shouldn't delay acting on important things in her life. Still, she hesitated. Nightmares and the return of insomnia brought her back to Commander McCool for two additional sessions.

Even though seeing Alicia at Harm's apartment made her believe that, as she told Commander McCool, she had waited too long, some hope stirred again when, at the hospital right after her car accident, Harm had assured her nothing had changed .. that he was there for her. Still, she held herself apart from him while she tried to get things clear in her mind. She finally admitted to herself that her goal in returning to therapy was to understand herself better .. to be able to go to Harm without being emotionally fragile. The note today from the unknown Megan suddenly made her realize that the result she was working so hard to be ready for.. to explore a relationship with Harm, might not be available to her by the time she was ready. Timing.. Harm had said it. It did seem to be their worst enemy.

So here she was.. trying to force her thoughts and emotions through an accelerated healing process that really should have taken several more months. But what if she came to grips with all her inner turmoil, only to lose her chance with Harm? Then what was the point?

Her tea was growing cold, abandoned as she paced around her apartment while her mind grappled to bring logic to her thoughts. After an hour and 18 minutes of pacing and thinking, she dropped onto the couch with a sigh. Even if she wasn't where she wanted to be with her own emotional healing, she had to find out whether Harm would be waiting for her. It wasn't fair to him to push him away and expect him to be at her beck and call when she decided she was ready. She knew she tended to be selfish in her relationships .. not willing to give up what she wanted .. expecting the man to compromise. And she expected men to be as unwilling to compromise as she was. She now understood that this expectation was behind her telling Harm that they would never work as a couple because they both wanted to be on top.

Being unwilling to compromise .. unwilling to apologize .. were a way to protect herself. For underneath the Marine Corps training and confidence, she still felt vulnerable, guilty and doubtful of her self-worth. The feelings weren't nearly as strong as they were in her youth. She had overcome much of this feeling in her career because of her success in the Corps and as a lawyer. But in her personal relationships with men, the vulnerability remained. Her lack of a successful relationship with a man didn't built self-confidence.

Her discussions with Commander McCool had helped her recognize her selfish tendencies in relationships, and why they existed. Now that she was more aware of her actions and the reasons for them, she hoped that she could do better. She had to do better, because the next relationship she hoped to have was with Harm, and she knew that it was likely to be her last chance. While she had cared about the men in her past, she had never loved them the way she loved Harm. So, either it would work out, and they would grow old together, or if it didn't, she would have only her career and her friends, but never an enduring love.

She knew she had to talk with Harm, but experience told her she couldn't just show up at his door. Tomorrow was Friday. Perhaps she should suggest spending some time together tomorrow evening. Yes, she'd make arrangements with Harm tomorrow, assuming he was free. Which brought the vision of Alicia at his apartment to her mind. She had no reason to think that Harm was still seeing her, and she forced herself not to dwell on unknown obstacles.

Okay, so if she assumed it worked out for tomorrow night .. then what? She had to think about how to say what she wanted to say. But her mind was suddenly blank .. it refused to put together a concrete idea as to how to approach the subject.

Finally, Mac decided she would have to leave it until tomorrow. Her brain wasn't up to more tonight. It was too early for bed, but maybe a nice long bath would relax her enough to sleep. Right! Like you're going to get any sleep tonight, she chided herself.

**Friday  
****11:05 EST  
****JAG HQ  
****Falls Church**

In spite of getting very little sleep the night before, Mac had felt ready for the day when she arrived at the office. As the morning wore on, however, she felt more edgy and was developing a tension headache. She was procrastinating about asking Harm about this evening. True, he had been in court part of the morning, but at this moment he was in his office. All she had to do was stand up, walk the few steps to his office and ask him. Her feet felt like they were encased in cement. She knew she had to talk to him before lunch in case he was called out of the office in the afternoon .. then her chance would be gone. "Suck it up, marine!" she prodded herself.

With a determined sigh, she got up and went to Harm's office. He was on the phone when she approached his door, but when he saw her hovering, he waved her in. Reluctantly, Mac began to enter his office, when his words registered. "..that's an interesting offer … yes, I'd like that. When? …tomorrow afternoon works … 2:00 it is… see you then, Alicia." For a few seconds, Mac's panicked thoughts were to forget the entire thing .. the talk .. her hopes regarding Harm .. everything. Clearly he was seeing Alicia. She was too late. She had waited too long. Then she reigned in her panic. That was the old Mac .. the one that ran away from difficult situations. This was the new Mac .. the one that met obstacles head on .. that didn't jump to conclusions .. that was in control of her own future.

As Harm ended his phone conversation and looked up at Mac, he noticed that she looked tired and was unusually pale. Not for the first time, he wished fervently that she would let him in .. talk to him .. let him help with whatever was bothering her. But as usual, he put a friendly smile on his face and ignored his regrets. "Hey, Mac. What's up?"

Mac tried her best to sound strong and normal, yet she knew there was a hesitancy in her voice. "Harm .. there's something I'd like to talk to you about. Can we .. would it be alright if I came over to your place tonight .. if you're not busy .. ?"

Something in her voice set off Harm's alarm bells. But he responded easily, "Of course. Come about 1900. I'll make dinner."

Mac's stomach was in a knot and she didn't expect it to get better any time soon. "No .. I don't want you to go to the trouble of cooking. I'd .. I .. can I just stop by after work .. say 1730 .. and I'll be on my way before its time for dinner?"

Now Harm's alarm bells were deafening .. Mac not wanting to eat! Something serious was up with her. "Sure .. no problem .. 1730 .. I'll see you then." Mac clearly didn't want to say anything more here so Harm restrained himself from asking questions. Just then his phone rang, and Mac left.

Harm spent much of the afternoon .. when he couldn't quite keep his mind on his work .. wondering what Mac wanted to talk about. She sounded so .. what? .. unsure of herself .. not like her at all. He worried that it was something serious. Something with her health. Maybe they'd found more serious .. perhaps life-threatening .. health problems. Maybe this past year had been too much of a strain and she was going to ask for a transfer to start fresh somewhere. Maybe it was a man .. maybe she had met someone and she was going to tell him .. again .. that it would never work between them. He tried to think of other possibilities, and finally forced himself to stop borrowing trouble. He'd find out soon enough.

**1730 EST  
****Harm's Apartment**

Harm had hurried home, stripped off his uniform and put on well-worn jeans and a light blue, ribbed sweater that emphasized his broad shoulders and strong chest, though he was unaware of the desirable picture he made. As he expected, Mac arrived right on time. She had changed out of her uniform before leaving work. As she slipped off her coat, Harm took in her soft wine red sweater and tight jeans. Her long shining dark hair was loose on her shoulders.

Mac walked nervously into the apartment, not wanting to sit down. She felt the need to be able to move around. Harm looked at her warily. She hadn't looked directly at him since she arrived. Without a word, he went to the fridge, took out two bottles of water and handed one to Mac. She took it with a small grateful smile, and while she glanced upward, she still didn't meet his eyes.

Since Mac seemed unable to start the conversation she had requested, Harm said gently, "Mac, talk to me."

"This is awkward," Mac began, "but I need to get some things clear between us."

Mac paced across the apartment, trying to find the right words, while Harm waited patently, but with a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Finally Mac continued, "a couple of weeks before Christmas I had a bout of insomnia. It had been going on for several nights. Then, to top it off, I had a follow up exam with my gynecologist. I had a procedure to remove some of the lesions and the pain was gone. I asked whether my chances to conceive had improved or could be improved with medication. She finally gave me numbers. I have less than a five percent chance of conceiving. I knew it, but still it was a blow to hear it put into actual numbers. She was called away before I could ask for something to help me sleep. On my way out, I remembered that the therapist the Admiral ordered me to see last spring had her office nearby, so I stopped in.

"It was the end of her day .. she was on the way out to be with her family, but she stayed. We talked for nearly two hours. I wasn't very cooperative at first .. all I wanted was some sleeping pills .. but she seemed to know just what questions to ask .. how to make me see things more clearly. I've talked with her a couple of times since then, and I'm beginning to understand my emotions and my actions much better. I'm seeing my emotions more clearly. And I have a goal in mind. Then suddenly I realized that while I was working so hard to square myself away in order to reach my goal, that the goal might not be there when I'm ready."

Rather than sit on the couch, Harm was seated on one of the tall kitchen stools with his long legs reaching the floor taking part of his weight. He watched Mac pace as he intently listened to Mac's words, wanting to understand where she was going with this. When she stopped talking and didn't continue right away, he asked quietly, "What is your goal?"

Not answering directly, Mac paced another round and then stopped about six feet away from Harm and finally turned to meet his questioning gaze. "Harm, last spring you said you wanted to be a part of my life. I have to know .. I have to be clear about what you meant. What role do you see for yourself in my life?" She ticked off the choices on her fingers, "a, best friend; b, lover; or c, husband?"

With just a hint of his familiar cocky smile, Harm answered without hesitation, "d, all of the above."

Mac was at a loss for words. She had never expected Harm to be so forthcoming with his intentions. Well, she had her answer! Suddenly it was very real .. what she had wanted for so long. It was actually within her reach .. and she didn't know whether she was ready .. even yet. How long would he wait?

Harm's smile softened, "What, are you surprised?"

"No .. yes .. I mean I just didn't expect you to be so clear with your answer." She couldn't help the shy smile. "Neither of us has been very adept at clearly stating our positions."

"Don't you think it's about time we cleared up any misunderstandings?"

"Yes, of course."

"Why now, Mac? What have you and your therapist worked out?"

"Commander McCool helped me see that whenever I needed help, needed comfort when a relationship went wrong, needed support for anything, it was you I went to. I knew it .. I said something like that to you last spring .. but after hearing about your place in my life for the last nine years, she asked me if you weren't the one I was always meant to be with.

"After I realized she was right, I decided that I had to work through some of my emotions, my baggage from this past year, before it would be fair to come to you. Then yesterday when you received that painting from a woman who clearly wanted to know you better, and when I knew you had been seeing Alicia, I suddenly realized that I might lose you because I waited too long. It was only fair to both of us to know where we stand."

As she spoke, Mac had been slowly moving closer to Harm. Now she was within reach of his long arms and he reached out and drew her into a loose embrace. "Mac, you don't have to do all of this alone. You don't have to be perfect in order to come to me. Perfect is much less interesting and pretty scary," he grinned. "You don't need to change. If we love each other, we can do this together." He leaned in for a soft kiss. "And as to the five percent chance of conceiving .. there have been a lot of babies born in this world to women using birth control that was supposed to be 95 percent effective."

Mac sighed as she laid her head against Harm's broad chest. His arms slipped around her and she had a taste of contentment. It would be like this to be with Harm, really with Harm. To meet all life's problems together. But the time was not quite right. She lifted her head and stepped back, though Harm kept his arms loosely around her, not letting her too far away from him. She looked up and saw his love for her shining clearly in his expressive eyes. "Harm, now that you know my goal and I know what you want, will you be patient with me? I need just a little more time to work some things out in my own head, with Dr. McCool's help."

Harm pulled her closer and spoke softly, his breath ruffling wisps of her hair. "Sarah, I'll wait as long as it takes. But if I can help in any way, please .. I want to help. Let me be part of your healing."

In Harm's arms, Mac leaned back far enough to look into his face. "Well, since both of our intentions seem to be clear for the first time in nine years, there's no reason we can't go on a date now and then while I continue my therapy."

With a sexy grin and voice so low and husky that Mac felt goosebumps down her spine, Harm said, "Well, it's fortunate that it's the weekend. Just what do you have in mind for a date?"

"Mmmm.. I'm sure we'll think of something to do." Suddenly Mac felt like weight had been lifted from her shoulders and the fist clamped on her stomach disappeared. The next instant her stomach growled loudly.

They both laughed. "If it's not too late, maybe I should take you up on that dinner offer." Mac grinned.

"Absolutely. And since you're here, you can help." And with that Harm took Mac's hand and led her into the kitchen to prepare their meal.

Many things had changed in a few short minutes, yet it felt like things were finally back to normal – back to the friendship they had enjoyed many years ago. Along with that, of course, was the anticipation of becoming more than friends, of exploring new depths of emotions, of strengthening the bond that both believed would last a lifetime. They both had a past to deal with, and the complications of military regs. But for the immediate future they were content ..

End .. and a beginning


End file.
